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Channeling our parents

Well, I guess the day has finally come. I am turning into my mother. I thought I at least had until 30. Of course, I’m not at the point just yet where celebrities’ names are turning into a word scrambler game, but boy is it a wake up call when you know deep inside that you are more excited about the new placemats you bought after work than about the new guy you met last weekend at the bar.

In your mid-twenties, your relationship with your parents takes on an entirely different form. Typically, you are at the stage in your life where you don’t need to depend on them for life’s necessities (unless you are one of those “Boomerang kids” – if so, sorry!) and a transformation takes place. You start to see your parents as people in the world instead of just your mom and dad. And now that you’ve moved out and are spending less time around them, it is harder to recognize those little pieces of personality that (unbeknownst to you) they passed on somewhere down the line – and it’s heart stopping when you do.

I’m talking about that moment when you catch yourself saying something and stop mid-sentence only to realize you have channeled your mother, right down to the tone. This is then usually followed by an exclamation of, “God, I’m turning into my mother.” Of course we love them, but didn’t we always tell ourselves, after we slammed the door to our room in teenage angst, “I will never be like them!”? Well, this is your 16-year-old-self’s worst nightmare.

My father used to remind me of that old saying, “Why are your parents so good at pushing your buttons? Because they installed them.” Oh, so true – and they certainly dance away on those buttons for the rest of your life. But in your twenties, you are ferociously independent. Suddenly, you are an adult in charge of your own life and it feels like your parents didn’t get the memo. You want to scream “I’m an adult!” but to them, this transformation happened over night. You will always be their baby who needs their opinion and advice on everything you do. Don’t get me wrong, I talk to my mom all the time and definitely take her opinions to heart – but there are moments when I desperately want her to just trust that I will make the right choices for myself. Deep down, I know she does, and let’s face it, parenting is a tough habit to break after 25 years.

Thanking them

What we should really do is thank them – and we all know we don’t do it enough. We are 50% of each of them genetically, spent 18 years or more with them under the same roof, and yet it never ceases to amaze and horrify us when we start to say and do things in their likeness. If you like the person you are today, you gotta suck it up and give a good amount of credit to the ones that brought you into this world. No one’s parents are perfect, but they did the best they could – and there is a lot to be said for putting up with us for that long (through all of our hormonal stages) and still loving us unconditionally.

I am grateful that my mom and I have reached the point where we talk like friends. We’ve even broached the topic of – sharp intake of breath – sex. It took time to reach this point, but in the last couple of years I have come to discover that yes, my mom had a life before me, and a dating life before my father (and by the way, 40 years ago, men and women were still having the same issues they are now). My mom grew up in a small New England town, but went to Africa and taught at an orphanage for 3 months in college (which at the time, was a BIG deal). She interned for a senator in DC and later became a flight attendant for Eastern Airlines and saw the world. She even helped bring adopted children to the US from India. She was younger than I am now when she got married, but she was still adventurous and took risks. Why do we always think parents just don’t understand? They were once right where we are. It may be that we just don’t like hearing the brutal and honest truth that only life experience can lend. I guess sometimes, we have to learn the hard way.

Read ahead: We’re gettin’ old»

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