“He Said, She Said” is a series of articles that deals with a variety of dating issues.  In each article, you’ll get a male and female’s perspective on a dating topic.  In this issue, Shanif Dhanani and Nicole Bernard discuss being friends with an ex.

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He Said, She Said – Being Friends With An Ex

It’s an age-old question – can (and more importantly, should) you be friends with an ex?  You didn’t work out as a couple, but one, or both, of you thinks that you should stay in touch.  Before you decide what to do with your former significant other, read this article to know what to expect.

1. Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

He said:

It’s definitely possible.  I’m living proof – one of my best friends is an ex-girlfriend of mine.  We talk about pretty much everything.  She gives me girl advice and I give her guy advice.  It would be a lot tougher on me if I didn’t have her around to ask for advice,  opinions, and feedback.  I’m also in contact with another ex of mine – we’re not as close, but we talk every now and then.

So yes, it’s possible, but it’s also hard as hell.  My first ex and I went through a lot of tough times and drama after breaking up.  We didn’t speak for a while.  We had both been hurt, and it was extremely hard to get past all of that.  But our relationship was based off of friendship more than anything else, so eventually, we were able to transition into the friend zone, just not before a lot of arguments, drama, and turmoil.

Because of that, I don’t think being friends is always possible.  If your relationship was really rocky, based purely on physical intimacy, had no trust, or had no basis in friendship to start with, it’s almost impossible to stay friends afterwards.  You’ll both have way too many issues to make it work.

The key here is what your relationship was like while you were still together – if it was relatively drama-free and you two were comfortable with each other, in time you could become friends.  Otherwise, it’s probably not going to happen.

She said:

I believe friendship with an ex is possible to an extent, and I also believe it greatly depends on the type of relationship the two of you had with one another. I think friendship is possible after enough time has passed. In previous relationships, I’ve found that it is much more difficult to be friends with your ex when your relationship has just ended, because, after all, where does the love go? If you attempt a friendship with a newly acquired ex, the feelings of love tend to linger longer than they should and both parties are still very emotional, even if one loves their ex more than their ex loves them.

I believe if you become friends rights after a break up, two things can happen, and neither one of them are very good: 1) You’ll find your friendship will end up being more like “sex-buddies”, with one person enjoying the sex for the sex and the other person enjoying the sex with lingering feelings of love and hopes that the relationship will re-ignite itself, or 2) You’ll both pretend to be very okay with whatever situation is at hand when in reality neither of you are. If you’re friends too soon after your breakup, feelings of jealousy can become a potent thing because, (let’s face it) – most people don’t call up their exes to talk about their day or how much fun they had when they were out with friends last night, and they especially won’t call to talk about the cute new prospect they met at the coffee shop a couple days ago.

Whether you were the one who did the breaking up or you were the one who was dumped, finding out your ex has moved on to someone new isn’t the easiest pill to swallow.

2. What should you watch out for?

He said:

Many times, one person will still have lingering feelings and will try to be friends with the other in hopes of getting back together.  If this is the case, it’s better to not be friends.  You need a clean break and a chance to move on.  Remember, this is about being friends.  If you really have feelings for the other person and want to get back together more than you want to be friends, then let him or her know, but if he or she doesn’t feel the same way, you need to get some space.  After a couple of years, if the feelings are still there and you can’t shake ‘em, you both may be able to make it work, assuming you’ve both grown and learned a bit, but until then, forget about it.

Also, when the friendship first starts, take it slow.  Don’t spend too much time with your ex.  You’ll be transitioning into a new role, and you don’t want there to be any confusion.  Don’t talk about your new boyfriend or girlfriend.  Don’t bring up any sore issues that were there in the relationship, they don’t really matter anymore.  If your friendship stands the test of time, you can discuss those later.

Finally, be wary of the post-breakup hookup.  If you stay friends, the temptation is there, and if you cross that line, it’s going to make moving on that much harder for both of you, especially when one of you starts hooking up with someone else.

She said:

I couldn’t agree with this more. Take the time you need. Though friendship is something that should come naturally between you and the other person, unfortunately (let’s face it) more often than not, when sex has been involved, friendships just become a bit more complicated.

Read ahead: Can we be friends right after the breakup?»

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