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I genuinely feel sorry for guys. Not all of them – just the straight ones. When it comes to relationships, they definitely got the short end of the stick, because ladies are crazy. All of us are, just in different ways and to different extremes. What we say we want and what we actually want are sometimes the exact opposite, and we don’t even realize it. We don’t treat you how we expect to be treated. We play mind games, get inside your head like psychic ninjas. We let you think we’re interested, and when you finally call, refuse to make time for you. Why? I don’t know. You can blame hormones or daddy issues, or maybe it’s the fumes from the hairsprays and nail polishes that have whacked us all out. Who knows? Females are all kinds of crazy, and I wish I could help dudes out, but I don’t get us, either.

The only advice I can give is this: instead of trying to figure out your lady’s flavor of crazy, learn when to give up. If you’re having that much trouble figuring a woman out, she’s probably not for you. Think of a woman as a Rubik’s cube. If you can solve one in less than three minutes, you’re a pimp. If you’ve been messing with it for hours, you’re an idiot, not for your inability to figure it out, but for wasting time that could have been spent on something more useful, like training at a fast food joint. Keep that “can do” attitude with women, and you’ll end up old and alone, with a receding hairline, wearing sweat-stained wife beaters, surrounded by broken Rubik’s cubes. If a woman you met five months ago has yet to make time for dinner, or even give you her number, she’s probably not interested. Stop sending Facebook messages and posting on her wall. Just quit. She won’t tell you she’s not interested, because that would be the sane thing to do. We want guys to be honest with us and we throw their little white lies in their face like monkeys with poop, while we dance around our own truth in six-inch stilettos until our toes bleed. Maybe she is as busy as she says she is, but if it’s been six months and she hasn’t cleared out a half hour for you, she’s not interested. We make time for important things. Do you know how long it takes to blow dry and iron hair? It takes a lot longer than a short coffee date, but we’ll make time for silky hair because it matters, and you just don’t.

To give you an example of how crazy we are, I’ll make a confession: this article is nothing more than a hint to one persistent stranger. Usually, there’s nothing passive about my aggression; if I don’t like you, you know it. But in this case, I’m trying to be nice, and unfortunately nice just doesn’t work for me. Because crazy people have a hard time with nice. So if you’re reading this, please, just stop.