Image from Shanissinha

You hear the advice in movies, songs, and the daytime soaps.  Even your well-meaning paired-up friends have probably told the singles in their lives that you always find the right person when you aren’t looking for anyone.  Love comes along when you’re not looking for a relationship. It’s the thread that holds together most of the “how we met” stories you’ll hear over the course of wedding season.

This is awful.

It’s just bad advice to hear because it implies that you have to take a passive role in your love life. You have to stop looking.  Nothing strikes more fear in the hearts of 20 and 30-somethings than the idea of losing control.

The good news is that I don’t think this is quite true.  I do however think there are some good bits of advice hidden in the old cliché.

1.  Remain Calm

You’re a scary person when you’re actively looking for love.  Think Isla Fisher in The Wedding Crashers or most seasons of The Bachelor. It’s generally not very attractive and you’re probably upsetting people. Make friends, make connections with people, but don’t let yourself get carried away.

2. Throw Away the List

That mental list of everything you want in the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend? Keep the most important things and throw out the rest.  The list only limits you and generally contains one or two truly important things and a lot of superficial nothing. The guy you see every few days at the gym may be shorter than the guys you normally date.   He probably doesn’t pass the list test, but he could end up being perfect for you.

3.  Be Yourself, Not Your Dating Profile

“Sweet, Artsy, and Ambitious.”  If you’re too worried about marketing yourself — be it online, at the bar, or at the dogpark — chances are you’re losing out on being yourself.  Face it, we’re still working on figuring out who we are. Instead of trying to make yourself appealing, relax and live life.  When you’re filling your days with friends, goals, and activities you enjoy, you’ll naturally market yourself as a great person to be around.  You’ll also be surrounding yourself with people who share your interests and lifestyle — a great recipe to find that “perfect match” after all.