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Financial hardship

Money: making it, how to make more, how to manage with what we have, the things we’re willing to do for it, and our humiliating “nickel-and-dimed” experiences are certainly an ever present shadow for those young professionals just trying to get by and move up a rung on whatever ladder they are climbing.  Number one on our list:  not needing help.  Let’s face it; we have all entered an era in our lives where the idea of self-sufficiency is no longer a romanticized someday, but a present day reality that we deal with in a number of ways.  Some of us cling to the stamp of our independence with pit bull incisors by choice, while others have sudden independence thrust upon us by circumstance without a clear vision of what it means.

Times are tough everywhere, but I think we get to stand firm on the point that it’s harder for those just starting out – us.  In my case, I use the fact of my position in the performance community as an example of how hard it is to gain momentum without financial security.  As an actor you are expected to be in excellent shape and to constantly look your best: requiring the purchase of diet conscious food and, most likely, a decent gym membership.  It means maintaining hairstyles and makeup.  Constant training means voice lessons, acting classes, dance, and then some.  Not picked up by a commission agent yet?  Guess you’re paying up front for online audition searches.  Add in purchasing sheet music and scripts, promotional domain names, cell phone bills, rent (most likely in an apartment not even the local roaches are jealous of), and big city lifestyle challenges and what a quandary you must see!  Now I don’t say any of this to make you feel as though my world is tougher than yours – your profession is probably mired with startup challenges surprisingly parallel to mine.  In my world, shall we say, money coming in is never a guarantee, money going out, however, is.

Dealing

How to manage?  I have done a bit of everything along the way, as I’m sure many of you have.  From the respectable dance instructor job to camp counseling and nannying… from the embarrassing hat at a local burger joint to the abject humiliation of a stint go-go dancing.  Not fun – especially for someone who is still living in a mindset of absolute “someday glory” based on work ethic.

This brings me to a lesson I learned recently – a hard one to swallow, but one that has made it easier to go about my penny pinching life with my head held high.  There was a day about a week ago when I was just plain down – frustrated at work, frustrated with a seemingly endless string of “blue collar” theatre jobs, modeling gigs, and infinite auditions, and tired of eating Lean Cuisine dinners bought on sale every night.  Going class to class that day, I must have looked a fright – dark circles (gasp) not covered with makeup, sweatpants, and a dour expression.  I may have mentioned only a few times, considering that my pride generally keeps me rather tight lipped, my frustration with my current financial slump.  I was walking by my theatre department mailbox that afternoon, however, when I saw an unmarked white envelope inside.  I was intrigued and proceeded to open it.

The envelope contained a twenty-dollar bill and a note in very neat, professor-esque handwriting.  The note said, simply, “eat something”.  I froze, rooted to the spot, humiliated that a casually flung word had somehow turned me into someone’s charity case.  I cried quietly, but publicly, for several minutes.  I finally formed a picture of the teacher it must have been – a kind, older woman with an impeccable sense of style and a heart of gold.  As I stood, embarrassed and wrestling with a need to go to her office and accuse her of the anonymous gift and return it while asserting my self sufficiency, something dawned on me.

Keep your head up

Someone was being kind to me.  In my desperate need to prove I could make it on my own, I was somehow ignoring the truth of the matter.  The embarrassment was all in my head.  I had created a monster where none existed.  The gift was contained in a blank envelope in my private box – intentionally discreet.  I do well in the professor’s class, so I am clearly not a “charity case” in the hopeless sense of the word.  Someone truly generous and truly caring was reaching out to a hardworking, struggling, young and determined woman.  What a concept!

Since then I have gone about my daily life immune to the over-the-glasses-and-down-the-nose stares of cashiers as I painstakingly count out nickels to buy my morning coffee, impervious to the still-supported-from-home children in their Chanel boots and carrying their Coach purses, and brazenly confident in saying what I’m currently doing to finance my endeavors as an enterprising young professional.  Well…almost immune/impervious/brazen.  It’s a step.  Remembering that there is kindness and unsolicited goodness in the world, not only greed and cruelty is a big, fat step.