Few would guess (or believe) that I am a certified etiquette instructor. I once spent a summer teaching “Mind Your Manners” classes to kindergartners. I have a mouth that would make a sailor blush, and I hated having to watch my language. It was impossible not to drop an F-bomb or two when trying to teach a 5-year-old the proper way to hold a fork. (Do you care whether your friends hold their forks correctly? How interested do you think a 5-year old is?) The certification process did teach me how to conduct myself appropriately in social and professional settings, and I’d like to impart some of that knowledge to you.

Most rules of etiquette are based on common sense – if it bothers someone, don’t do it – but there are some less obvious guidelines. Here are some of the more obscure rules of locker room etiquette that, apparently, only professionals know:

1. Don’t overstay your welcome. Time spent changing shouldn’t equal time spent on the treadmill. Locker rooms are big enough to accommodate only a few members at a time. If you see someone hopping around, trying to put their sneakers on while standing, you should probably get off that bench and go grab a dumbbell.
2. Don’t multi-task. Usually, multi-tasking is impressive. In the locker room, however, it’s inappropriate. When you’re changing, drop your other activities. You shouldn’t be undressed for more than 2 minutes. Yes, you do have a right to take your shirt off in the locker room, but naked texting isn’t acceptable. Pull up your pants before talking to strangers. The locker room is for changing; it’s not a nudist hang out. Cover up and move on.
3. Never go full Monty. Outside of the shower, there’s no need to strip down completely. Ever. Try changing your shirt and THEN changing your pants. With etiquette, modesty is key. Ladies – did you know that you can change your bra without exposing your nips? If you’ve just taken a shower, cover up with your towel until you’re fully dressed. You shouldn’t sit bare–butted on the bench anyway.
4. Avoid mooning. If you drop your towel in the locker room, wait until you’re dressed to pick it up. If you do bend down to grab it, aim your rear away from the entrance. This is a rookie mistake that no one wants to make (or witness). Ironically, it’s only the newcomers who don’t know this rule; the people you’d least like to see in the nude.
5. Wear flip-flops in the shower. You can get fungus, and fungus is gross. A little athlete’s foot might not bother you, but other members are concerned about your hygiene, and it’s rude to make them worry.

So that’s it, those are the basics.  By following these few simple guidelines for etiquette, you’ll save the rest of us a lot of trauma.

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